SCENE 3 Lights up on LA's version of a pond, AKA a puddle that is larger than average. GINA and ALEXIS are perched on the side of this makeshift pond, tired and leaning against each other. GINA: I saw a duck here the other day. ALEXIS: That's so cool. GINA: I fucking wish I was a duck. ALEXIS: I know exactly what you mean. The moment is so perfectly simple. I feel that a large reason of my affinity for ducks is that I have no purpose. Pause. GINA: What? Another pause, only interrupted because... Enter BRUISER, a young woman in her 20s carrying a yoga mat with bleached blonde hair pulled back in a bun. She's wearing a Lululemon leggings set and is sweaty but somehow, it's glamorous. She spots ALEXIS and GINA and grins. BRUISER: Alexis! Gina! No way! ALEXIS and GINA make eye contact. ALEXIS (under her breath, beginning to squat to get up and out): No no no. No no no no no no. GINA (under breath, then calling out): We have to make friends it's been six months and we're watching ducks. Bruiser!! BRUISER: This is so crazy. What's up? ALEXIS: Oh, just phone. An awkward silence. GINA: What's up with you, buddy? Gina has made the situation much worse. BRUISER: Well, actually, I just had, like, an ethereal experience. She pauses, waiting to be asked to elaborate. ALEXIS and GINA look at each other. ALEXIS (genuinely trying really hard): Epic! Pause. BRUISER debates continuing. She decides, ultimately, to continue at a louder and more excited volume than before. BRUISER: At yoga, the teacher was this guy, Alden, and he was honestly like a seersayer. GINA: What? BRUISER: No, like he knew. GINA: Nice. What did what did he kno- sorry, what are you saying? BRUISER: It's fine, it's not important. But anyway, it was honestly so intense and I was DYING. It was like 100 degrees, and he was like "let's turn this up, yogies, until we can FEEL. THE HEAT." and we were like "noooo, Alden, you're torturing us!" It was amazing. ALEXIS laughs awkwardly and grins uncomfortably. She offers up: ALEXIS: That sounds... horrible. BRUISER laughs. For some reason, this was just what she wanted to hear. BRUISER: No but like, no pain no gain. Anyway. He was like a spiritual- what's the word? He was like a guru. I swear he knew how I was feeling. GINA: How were you feeling? BRUISER: Like, really hot. ALEXIS and GINA make eye contact. ALEXIS: Yeah, I bet he's a guru. BRUISER: Right? How did you two meet again? Was it through the program? GINA: Uh, yeah, in September. ALEXIS: That's right. We were the only two who had forgotten to say we wanted dorms, so we had to get an apartment together. GINA: Incredible. That is so incredible. It's harsh out here in grad school. Do they not just give you houses? ALEXIS: Right?? BRUISER (hiding her confusion): Totally. Uh, Gina, you're a surfer, right? GINA: Yes, I love riding waves, especially medium-sized ones. GINA is immediately confused about why she said this. ALEXIS: I am the mother to eighteen fishes. Alexis lets that hang in the air for a minute. Stands by it. BRUISER: Love. Anyway. You guys have to come to yoga sometime. You're like the only people in a 10-mile radius who don't do it. Eva does it before work. ALEXIS: Wow. GINA grabs ALEXIS' arm from behind and starts shaking it. GINA: Uh, Bruiser, hey, if you wanna stick around, we've been watching some ducks by this puddle and we think they're gonna have sex soon. BRUISER: Um, I do have to go, I apologize. Next time. GINA: Of course. We understand. ALEXIS: Absolutely. You are the CEO of your own future. BRUISER: But hey - if you ever wanna come to yoga - first week is free, and I know all the best teachers. Just text me. GINA (sincerely): Thank you. We will. ALEXIS swats at her behind her back. She swats back. GINA: Hey, have a great day, buddy. BRUISER: You too, guys. See you around campus. BRUISER leaves. GINA and ALEXIS turn to each other immediately and their next lines are hissed. ALEXIS: What the hell? What the hell, Gina? Oh hell. This is horrible. GINA: We need friends. ALEXIS: Why would you say we'd go to yoga? GINA: Why would you say the thing about the ducks? ALEXIS: Because it was true, Gina, it's happening right now. But I guess you prefer convenient lies to harsh truths. GINA: WHAT? You don't know when I'm lying! We aren't the same person!! A brief silence. ALEXIS (giving in): You're right. I forgot. GINA: I know. It's hard to remember sometimes. ALEXIS: Look, you can go to yoga. I respect that. Madly. It'll be like that time I did something without you in November. GINA: That's exactly what I was thinking. Thanks, Alexis. ALEXIS: My pleasure. NEXT SCENE Into a yoga studio step mystery people, all in uniform yoga attire, hair slicked back in the same buns and burned with the same bleach. Soon, GINA enters, confused and a clear outlier. A man enters, closing the door with finality. It feels like the temperature keeps rising. He brings his hands to heart center. ALDEN: Let's flow. The neon lights blind then fade as the whole class assumes a Warrior Two pose facing the audience. But GINA's body stays in Child's Pose, ablaze in a deep red light. The crowd disperses in a uniform migration. The heartbeat slows, but continues. Eventually, it stops. ALEXIS enters the stage, which is empty except for GINA, in clearly non-yoga clothing (jeans) and a much cooler light. She begins shaking GINA's body. ALEXIS: Gina? Gina, you haven't spoken since you returned home 18 hours ago. I'm beginning to get worried. Speak now, Gina, or I'll think you're dead. GINA: I'm not dead. ALEXIS: Well, thank God. I was beginning to get worried. GINA: There's no easy way of saying this, Alexis, so I'll just say it. LONG pause. ALEXIS: Yes? GINA (bitterly): That yoga class is a cult. Everything that happened in that room was a cult ritual. They made me feel like a slick newborn baby still wet from the womb just because I couldn't carry my whole body weight on my two front arms. ALEXIS: Oh hell. GINA: Damn right. And Bruiser was just watching the whole time. She's like a member. A recruiter. With her beady crow eyes. ALEXIS: Gina, I told you. You don't ever have to go back. GINA: Except that I've... they've indoctrinated me. There's no going back now. I'm going back next Thursday. ALEXIS: Shit. GINA: Yeah. I just- I can't stand for this. What if we... GINA and ALEXIS have something of a mutual epiphany. ALEXIS & GINA: We expose them on social media!! ALEXIS: Do they allow phones? GINA: Yes, but we should sneak a bug in just to be safe. ALEXIS: My thoughts exactly. How about we hide it in your hair? GINA: Sounds perfect. Then we sync it to the cloud, post it everywhere- ALEXIS: -and we save SO. MANY. WOMEN. GINA: YES, and we become the number one feminists in the world. ALEXIS: And I win a medal. Slight pause. GINA: Why you? ALEXIS: Well, there's only one medal. Beat. GINA: What medal do you have in mind- ALEXIS: I AM LOOKING FOR A 2 MILLION DOLLAR GRANT FROM THE INTERNATIONAL WHISTLEBLOWER FOUNDATION. GINA: What? ALEXIS: Wait. Aren't there men that do these classes too? GINA: Yes, but also women. And if you save women, you're a feminist. Don't overthink The Plan. ALEXIS (sighing in resignation): You're right, of course. My plan is perfect. GINA: It is. How's next Thursday morning? ALEXIS (mocking voice): Well let me just check my Google Calendar real quick - oh wait, of course I'm going to this class. Doi!! They guffaw together at the idea of having and actively using a Google calendar. GINA: We're taking down these fuckers. [Note: Scenes skipped where Gina and Alexis go to yoga and post a video detailing the cult-like practices. Two months have passed.] NEXT SCENE It's the middle of the night. ALEXIS: Where are you going? Gina? Gina? GINA: I'm here, I'm here. I'm just up early. ALEXIS: This has never happened before in the history of the world. It's the middle of the night. GINA: It's 5am. ALEXIS: What's rustling? Where are you going? GINA: Nowhere. ALEXIS: You definitely are. ALEXIS turns the lights on. GINA is holding a yoga mat, hair straightened and tied back, in a baby blue yoga set with a matching water bottle. ALEXIS: Oh hell. GINA: Alexis, it's- ALEXIS: This is nothing like that time in November at all. GINA: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's not what you think. ALEXIS: This was about exposing them. Silence. Now you're one of them. You're like a duck-billed platypus. 'Cause you suck. GINA: It started as an infiltration!! I was gathering more information. To expose him. But then Bruiser invited me to keep coming, and it just... I love you, Alexis- ALEXIS: You bastard. GINA: -But we need other people. Like, I took a friendship quiz on The New York Times about my social life, and it told me I have no friends. ALEXIS: Whereas I simply counted and came to the same conclusion. Except I thought I still had one. How long have you been doing this? GINA: 7 weeks. Silence. ALEXIS: You're banished to Bruiser's apartment. GINA: Alexis. Try a class and you'll see. ALEXIS: Oh, I am not a dunce, Gina! I'VE SEEN! And I really just saw pain and heat and a lot of blonde people trying to convince themselves they were doing it for them! Look at you. Is this the version of yourself you're choosing to love? Or just the version that's easiest for everyone else to? For Bruiser to? GINA: Maybe you don't get to talk to me about love. ALEXIS: Maybe you are banished from this house! GINA: MAYBE I AM BREAKING ALL THE SPOONS!! GINA runs through the kitchen headfirst and rips open the spoon drawer. ALEXIS: WHAT THE FUCK? GINA grabs one and bends it. She grabs another, cackling maniacally, bending and throwing it towards the window. ALEXIS: HOW DID YOU KNOW SO QUICKLY THIS WOULD BE WHAT YOU WOULD DO? HOLY SHIT! Gina, STOP!! GINA is spinning now, physically spinning so fast in the middle of the kitchen with spoons in her hands and screaming. ALEXIS: GINA!!! I AM PUSHING YOU OUT OF THIS APARTMENT IF YOU KEEP SPINNING! ALEXIS runs at GINA headfirst, grabbing her waist and pushing her towards the door. GINA: No. NO! ALEXIS: Goodbye! ALEXIS succeeds in pushing her out the door and shutting it. Then, they both collapse and cry intensely against opposite sides of the door. NEXT SCENE ALEXIS hits record. Makeup stains her face and she's sniffling, crouching in a bush somewhere. ALEXIS: To the 155 individuals who have viewed my last video. Thank you. I am returning to speak on a recent betrayal I have endured. Gina, my partner in crime, my best friend, has been overtaken by Alden's sick narrative. (Sighs) Gina was the love of my life. I cannot bear to live without her. I have realized I don't know how to do many common tasks. There is currently a squirrel running rabid circles around our room because I slept with the window completely open and awoke to its face above mine. In this situation, Gina would not have allowed herself to be chased out of her own apartment. I miss her. Mostly, however, I miss her personality. It's been a horrible 26 hours. I remember she would text me whenever she was about to chop an onion in the other room even though it really had no effect on me. That was just who she was, I guess. I would rather join her in blind faith than find my own without her. So, we are winning her back. Even if that means giving in. Now let's talk choreography. A squirrel jumps out of a tree onto ALEXIS' head. She screams mid-blackout. NEXT SCENE An early LA morning. ALEXIS arrives at a yoga studio carrying a huge speaker, blaring "My Shot" from Hamilton. BRUISER walks past. BRUISER: Alexis. Hi. ALEXIS: Hello Bruiser. BRUISER: Did you come to take a class? ALEXIS: What? No. Is Gina here? BRUISER: Um, I don't know. She said she would come and I should go without her. I gotta go, they lock the doors, but good luck, Alexis. ALEXIS stays for a long time. A few seconds later, GINA arrives carrying a tray of muffins. ALEXIS: Gina. GINA: Alexis. ALEXIS: I'm surprised this place is even still standing after our savage takedown. GINA: We got 155 views and 55 likes. ALEXIS: My point exactly. GINA: Look, I'm really sorry about the spoons. I realized just how dangerous it was. My own power almost killed us both. I won't do it again. ALEXIS: Gina. It's okay. I'm sorry I physically pushed you out of our house. It was a hateful action. I woke up ashamed. Then I fought a squirrel. Then I tried to make a flashmob, but no one showed up. GINA: Aw. Alexis. It's okay. (Offers muffin) I made muffins. They're carbon neutral. ALEXIS: That's incredible. How did you do this? GINA: I donated $1,000 to Tree People, and then I made muffins. ALEXIS: $1,000? It's working. Next time I'd try more like 2,000. Gina, why did you make these? GINA: Well. I had a nightmare last night that I was trapped inside a 93 degree yoga studio. And I looked in the mirror and my reflection was doing all these moves I can't, but I felt the pain and the heat and the sweat. And I just really wanted to talk to you. ALEXIS: I love you so much. GINA: I love you. They hug for a long time. GINA: Let's go home. ALEXIS: We can't. GINA: Why not? ALEXIS: There's a squirrel in our home right now. GINA: Fuck. ALEXIS: Yeah. He's not leaving. GINA: That's pretty bad. You know who'll chase off a squirrel? GINA & ALEXIS (in unison): One brave duck. THE END.